During our lives, we often come across situations in which the ways we have previously coped no longer work in the ways that they did. At this point, we make choices that define the quality of our relationships, work experience and overall life satisfaction.
We know that a lot of our struggles can originate from our pasts, including childhood experiences, traumas, family dynamics and many more, and we often sub-consciously replay these experiences into our adult lives, leading to stress, depression, anxiety and dissatisfaction. During our lives, we often come across situations in which the ways we have previously coped no longer work in the ways that they did. At this point, we make choices that define the quality of our relationships, work experience and overall life satisfaction.
In our work together, I am to help you make sense of the complexity and messiness that you are going through, and ‘untangle the Christmas lights’ that we often feel take over our minds. This can allow us to then begin making different choices and affect how we feel in ourselves, and our relationships.
Couple therapy
In couple therapy, I like to draw upon systemic theory, which looks at the couple as a system; a little bit like a central heating system; so if there is a fault/blockage in one location in the system, the whole system would be affected. This can allow us to take a wider perspective, and holistically consider all of the factors at play, including issues related to finances, employment, family dynamics or otherwise.
We are attracted to our partners for many reasons; some of these being physical features, monetary or perhaps status, but we are mainly attracted through subconscious connections. We are drawn towards people who will allow us to replay family dynamics from the past, as we have a natural drive to repair the difficulties that we have experienced in our histories. This is partly why relationships can get complicated, and end up feeling as though they are a competition as to who has the most work to do, who brings in the most money, who takes care of the children or who has the most responsibility. I aim to help couples understand their struggles and how they feed into the family dynamic.
As parents, a lot of couples can disagree about boundaries and discipline in children, and this can be a major source of angst in couple relationships. Together we can work to find methods of compromise, and how you can discuss matters that you feel you cannot compromise on. I believe we must always consider the impact of arguments and disharmony on children, and having a secure base for teenagers and children can impact hugely on their mental health as they grow into adults. By having the safe space of your couple therapy to explore these issues that can often feel insurmountable, you are taking the first step in creating a healthier, more productive environment.
Psychosexual therapy
Sexual therapy is a very different process from general therapy. Based on the CBT theory, it works with the Sensate Focus Programme; pioneered by Masters and Johnson in the 1950s and 60s. It is a very well-proven process with treatment programmes that are highly effective, with the possibility of instigating major improvements in your sex life, regardless of your gender and sexual orientation.
In my experience, clients can sometimes come for psychosexual therapy as survivors of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional). The psychosexual therapy programme can be too challenging to dive straight into, so I help clients manage this by having devised a pre programme strategy. This can ease clients into the process, leading to a greater chance of success with the programme overall.
Relationships can be difficult, perhaps particularly long-term couple relationships. It has been said that we choose partners that often represent elements of our family-of-origin relationships. I believe this to be true. We often refer to this as an unconscious process, meaning processes that happen in our brain that we are unaware of.
Exploring some of these ideas allows us to make meaningful changes that facilitate real progress.
Classically, sex is one of those areas that, in our culture, is rarely spoken of honestly, if at all. Ironically, we are surrounded by images and literature depicting sex as a fantasy ideal, which is rarely achievable in everyday life. Psychosexual therapy requires an in depth history-taking session (2 hours) for each partner, which we will complete at your own pace, and a staged process of homework exercises I will ask you to do at home. This process is not just for couples, I also work with individuals who may struggle to reach orgasm or men who would like to maintain an erection for longer.
Women with menopausal issues that impact sex is also a personal interest of mine, having studied this in depth during my psychosexual therapy training. I find that often, during menopause, women can find their bodies changing beyond recognition. This can manifest as vaginal dryness, atrophy (where the delicate tissues of the vagina shrink and penetration can be difficult and painful) and low libido, alongside feelings of dissociation and oftentimes like we are ‘losing it’. Psychosexual issues that women struggle with, including issues related to menopause, can be worked with, and though they may seem irreversible, they are often not.
When these issues impact a couple’s relationship or even your relationship with your own identity, you can feel devastated, rejected and hopeless, but help is always here!